Really useful handy hints/tips/hacks

[Ed]

I've been compiling a list of useful tips for everyone, I hope it helps you play better.

- Make sure you try to use your mouse to control your player and not grab hold of a small puppy sat on your desk and start smacking it against the desk when you find it doesn't work

- If you're murdered someone and are waiting for an opportunity to dispose of the body, make sure you keep the corpse well away from your play area to prevent bodily ooze from shortcircuiting any of your computers components, which may lead to instability and shorten component life.

- If you live in Wakefield, move.

- Keep a good supply of mutual exclusivities on your desk, just in case

- If.... no actually, just don't do that.

- If your wife/girlfriend/mum asks you to do the washing, stick some indigestion tablets and vinegar in the machine with the clothes. Such will be the reception to the event that you'll never be asked to do the washing again. More time for gaming.

- Make sure you go to the toilet regularly. If you don't want to do this, you could try wearing a nappy or seek medical advice RE getting a colostomy bag fitted.

- If no one in real life likes you, why not use a multitude of aliases to spread sexist propaganda on the Internet. That way no one will like you on the Internet either. It balances.

- If your game performance isn't what you'd expect, have you overlooked your printer? You've got to upgrade your printer to get better performance in Nexuiz. I'd suggest a nice big laser. One of those ones with multiple paper trays for dual screen view. Of course, we'd all like a newspaper printing press but that's in the realms of supercomputers.

- If you're reading this on a computer in a house you've just broken into, computers aren't good things to steal as they're too easy to trace. Go for cash (no one records numbers on their bank notes) or valuable jewelery. If there's a safe and you can get a car near enough, tie a chain round the safe and to the back of the car and drive off. The bolts will easily pull out of the concrete.

- Always use caution when handling sharp computer components like mice balls. Get an adult to help you.

- If your mouse seems slothenly, perhaps you need to clean it. Don't lick mouse balls unless you want to get arrested.

I'd love to hear everyone else's incisive hints!

[The mysterious Mr. 4m]

12 times a day is enough.

[tZork]

- To be a good gamer, defrag your harddrive often. All that fragging needs cleaning up after.
- Never steal more then you can carry

[Daedalus]

try to form a constructivistic reality in your mind where you always pwn

[Xeno]

Learn to use the mouse and keyboard with your feet so that you can move the screen around your head to simulate a more interactive environment as you look around.

Smear faeces on your door to ensure that you are not disturbed while gaming.

Cover your CPU and graphics card in cream cheese if you want to overclock them (Philadelphia is the best but a cheaper brand will do).

Shooting your teammates and calling them GAY is a traditional Lithuanian gesture to tell them that they've done a good job.

Connect your network card directly to the mains power supply to get super fast internet (50 Mb / sec +)... don't forget to add cream cheese if you do though.

Buy a white glove like Michael Jackson's to prevent carpal tunnel syndrome... but don't forget to wash the paedostench off of it first.

Hire a midget with a pocket fan to cool off your balls under the desk to make your gaming time more comfortable... even here cream cheese can help.

[Ed]

It turns out Nexuiz is the second most popular sport in Kazahkistan after a sport where they shoot dogs in a field, this testimonial shows why, good tip for everyone else:

After Nexuiz game we all dance like player on game dance on spot at end of game. They dance like dancing negro Micheal Jacksons! Is nice!

[Psychcf]

- If you were once a wee nublet on the forum and want to get rid of you posts (the ones that make you look like a nub present day), find a way to access the forums mysql databases as root. Then run the following query:

Code: Select all

REMOVE * FROM * WHERE *=*

either that or you can be a pussy and edit your posts, replacing entire pages with single '.'s.

- make sure you keep nasal spray next to your telephone. You never know when you might need it.

- pour an entire bottle of rubber cement into your subwoofer. It'll sound better.

- if you want to look like a total ass, get banned from a forum. Then create 20 different accounts on the forum. Make threads that only you reply to. While you're at it set up a server, and set the MOTD to something about women's rights because you're tired of your wife/sister/some random little girl completely owning you every night with a bat/whip/newspaper/a f$%^ng tuba.

[esteel]

- if you want to look like a total ass, get banned from a forum. Then create 20 different accounts on the forum. Make threads that only you reply to. While you're at it set up a server, and set the MOTD to something about women's rights because you're tired of your wife/sister/some random little girl completely owning you every night with a bat/whip/newspaper/a f$%^ng tuba.

For a few seconds i feared someone might sue you because you made his strategies public but then i remember that this 'good' guy makes all his stuff GPL so you are save.. puh..